Too Many "Lasts"

Oh how the days fly by...

Anyone who is reading this probably saw my Facebook link to this article from the Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/devon-corneal/parenting-lasts_b_1874086.html

If you didn't read it, you should. I bawled my eyes out, and now I'm feeling rather nostalgic.

I started looking through Jake's pictures and for some reason this one made me really tear up, next to the pictures of me holding my little one in the hospital for the first time when he was 2 days old.

I have many friends and family having babies and so babies have been on the brain a little bit... and lots of memories. I guess I'm also getting teary-eyed because my little boy is finally growing up: and he's doing it quickly. For so long he aged, but he was still such a baby because he couldn't do the things other kids his age could. It has been bittersweet in that it has kept him a baby for longer (I've gotten to baby him longer) but he has been behind developmentally and some days that is a hard thing. Now I see the beginning of a new phase... a more independent one. Jake is not so much a baby anymore.

Being a parent is so happy, and so painful at the same time.

These days were the happiest, yet also the most dreadful days of my life. I cried at the moment when Jake was born because I was finally a mommy, something I had prayed for all my life. At the same time I remember telling my mom that I was glad Jake had to stay in the NICU for a while... things were just too difficult to process. Every day for three weeks as I trudged through the 4th floor of Texas Children's Hospital, back bent over in pain to go see the little sick one, I wondered what life-changing news I would get that day. Whether it was good or bad, it was all life-changing. 

At the time I couldn't wait to move past that moment. I wondered if my life would ever feel normal again. Everything felt clumsy, awkward, and there was always something to worry about if I wanted to. Even after the hospital, the first year of Jake's life, I feel as if I've been a little caught-up in moving on to the next thing so that he is not too far behind his baby friends and future peers. 

Knowing what I know now, I wish I would have slowed down a little more to enjoy the moments. The first picture I posted, where Jake is smiling, and chubby... I miss that. I also don't miss all the worry I still carried around. He was still struggling quite a bit at that time. It's a little easier to put my mind at ease these days. 

But look how fast time has flown! Saturday, Jake just learned how to crawl. He has learned how to pull up on furniture, cruise around, and crawl all in a matter of a couple months. He has had many "lasts" as well as "firsts". This has marked a new era in our lives with Jake because he is now moving from baby to toddler.

I miss sometimes how he used to just stay put in one place. Up until Friday he rolled everywhere to get where he wanted to go, and now I just realized I'm going to miss that. I'm so excited he's crawling now! It's going to help him with everything. But I also just realized that before I know it, he will be 2, then 3, then 18.

One interesting story I don't want to ever forget: 

Monday on our way out to dinner at a friend's house, a neighbor of ours was walking home from the store or somewhere. Cute, little older black woman with the best Southern Accent. We had never talked before but she was friendly as could be. She stopped and smiled at Jake and said, "Well, hello! Look at you, how are you doin?" I told her his name was Jacob.  She said, "You know what I was just thinking of? I was just writing in my journal about Issac and Sarah in the Bible. You know, they prayed to God for a child for a very long time. They kept trying and trying, and finally they had to bring in another woman and she had Ishmael. Finally Sarah was able to have a son and it was Jacob. Now, you know they were promised a large posterity but God didn't fulfill it in the way they thought he would. They had to wait for Jacob. Jacob was the promise". 

I almost started crying. This complete stranger, out of nowhere, seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear. This bible story I had not before applied to us, but it goes perfectly for Jake. God has not fulfilled things the way we thought he would, and we had to try and wait, but Jacob has been our promise and even better than we could have imagined. 

Well, I got sidetracked, but my main point is this: our Hydrocephalus life is transforming quicker than I had ever thought. The first year was so full of chaos and hard, hard work and I am surprised that the worry and the hours of moving Jake's arms and legs and putting him into equipment, are tapering off because Jake is becoming so independent so quickly. I wish I could go back to my terrified self holding my sick, deformed (but beautiful) baby and tell her to cherish the quiet moments. The coos, the 3 A.M. feedings, and even the times when Jake could not even hold his head up and all I wanted was to be able to hold my baby without five pillows and with some comfort for both of us. The truth is, it was only a short time and now those moments are gone forever. 

Every day I try to remind myself to sink into these moments when we are happy, oh so happy, and healthy and safe. Not every day will be that way, but for today, I am so thankful for the blessing of a quiet day with my little boy.